Because I'm Your Self Proclaimed Book Guru

I read . . . a lot (typically). And lately (ok, really most of my literate existence) I've been drawn to books of melancholy. Yeah, I said melancholy. I like books of "real" substance (aka downers). I don't want a happy, cozy read. Books with happy morals and Fairy God Mothers turning pumpkins into carriages are not for this girl. I want pitch black and sharply real, death and destruction, society in choas; books that make you think "What the @#$% did I read that for!" Summer is coming up, and we all know we have more time for some good summer time reading, so here is my Not So Light Summer Reading List for you to take a look at the next time you get a chance to pick up a book. (And if you don't want to take just "The Guru's" word for it, I've thrown in some other "not so notable" recommendations too.)

1. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

A story about a German girl living during the Holocaust, told from Death's perspective. What more is there to say, really?

"Zusak doesn't sugarcoat anything, but he makes his ostensibly gloomy subject bearable . . . with grim, darkly consoling humor." --Time

2. Case Histories by Kate Atkinson

A private detective story actually written well (if you can deal with a lot of slashing and a little lesbianism).

"Not just the best novel I read this year, but the best mystery of the decade . . . I defy any reader not to freel a combination of delight and amazment." --Stephen King

3. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie

The tale of a young Native American boy struggling to overcome the pathetic life that has been dealt to him. (PS favorite book!)

"Excellent in every way, poingnant and really funny and heartwarming and honest and wise and smart. . . . I have no doubt that in a year or so it'll both be winning awards and being banned." --Niel Gaiman

4. Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire You know how this one ends already . . . the witch dies.

"Gregory Maguire's shrewdly imagined first novel . . . is part fantasy thiller, part psychological study, part political cautionary tale. It's all fasciniating." -- New York Newsday

5. Bone by Fae Myenne Ng

The story of Leila. A Chinese-American. A girl trying to keep her family together after her sister's suicide.

"Brutal and poignant, dreamy and gritty, specific to its place and resonant in its implications about what it means to be an American." --Seattle Times

6. All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque

A novel that really depicts the emotional tramas of war.

"It is a great document. A powerful work of art. All other books about the war become small and insignificant by comparison." --The Swedish Academy

7. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

A total WTF book that makes you really think at the same time, and the only book that I've read that needs "A Reader's Guide to the Writings and Philosophy" of the author in the back.

"A writer of great power. She has a subtle and ingenious mind and the capacity of writing brilliantly, beautifully, bitterly. . . . This is the only novel of ideas written by an American woman that I can recall." -- The New York Times

Awkward People Produce Awkward Kids and I Hope I Do Too

One thing that I've come to notice in my past year of being a teacher is that awkward people produce some really awkward kids, and I adore it! Nothing is more fabulously uncomfortable than trying to have a serious conversation about a child's education with a parent that reminds me of . . . well, someone suffering from Aspergers. Several of the following questions have been answered at these parent-teacher meetings: why does this kid keep staring at me like they have something to say, but nothing ever comes out; why does this kid speak in monotones, much like a robot would; why is this kid so dang socially awkward; why is this kid such an over-sharer (p.s. that's when the meetings get REALLY awkard). Well, of course these kids are so dang odd; their parents are even odder!

For example, yesterday I had another fun/awkward encounter right after school.

Scene: I'm sitting at my desk grading papers. Man (maybe father, not sure) and awkward student stagger VERY slowly up to my desk. Clearly these two people were never going to say anything, but possibly continue to slink slowly up to my desk until they were maybe standing right one top of it, so I made the first move.

Me: Standing up and addressing the " maybe father." Hi, what can I help you with? Do you have any questions for me?

Man: No.

Me: Thinking, ok you are clearly bizarre.

And that was it! That was the whole conversation with the man. Ok, well his "maybe daughter" jumped in and stammered out that she was here to get homework that she had missed, and then the couple proceeded to shadow me around the room as I collected assignments. As they left I thought, and that is exactly why that girl is so weird.

After having so many of these odd encounters with students and their parents, a thought popped right out of my head yesterday. "Oh man, I really hope James and I have awkward kids, and then after his/her teachers meet us they think, That explains it!" This is my new, favorite goal in life, and I truly think we can succeed in my new endeavor. James and I do many of the perviously mentioned awkward things that could be passed down to our offspring.

People that do things like this definately have potiential for awkward kids, right?

Well, here is to hoping that Baby Alvey is one awkward little darling!

(And, no that was not a pregnancy announcement. Or was it? But no it really wasn't.)

A Plethora of Awkwardness

I'M BACK! Oh jezz, don't you hate me for leaving you awkwardless for two whole months? My apologizes, BUT you are in for a real treat BECAUSE . . . I have a plethora of awkward stories from the past two months.

Awkward Story #1: Never Try to Shake a Blind Person's Hand
Last month some time, I had my first meetings with students and parents without any help from another teacher, SEOPS. The first meeting started off rough; I forgot to do half of the paperwork that I should have, but no worries I was trudging forward regardless. Halfway through the day I had a meeting set-up with a Hispanic student and his mother. The student walked in and sat down at the table alone. His mother awkwardly peered around the corner and shuffled into the room. He spoke to her in Spanish, and I assumed he was just communicating to her to come sit down and join us. She never did, but rather awkwardly walked up to the table (never looking at me) and stood. I assumed that maybe she didn't speak English at all (or not well) and was possibly embarrassed to address me. I was going to be a good, friendly teacher and make her feel comfortable, so I stood up, stretched forth my hand, smiled, and said "Hi, I'm Mrs. Alvey." When she never flinched to look my way, never noticed my hand awkwardly dangling before her, and began talking to me but facing the wrong direction, I realized. SHE IS BLIND! The instant glare from the student said exactly what I was thinking, "Dumbass."

Awkward Story #2: My Bad
Last Friday my first hour class was reading a short story titled, "A Smart Cookie," which is a story told first in English, and then repeated in Spanish. I knew from the "Blind person" incident that there was at least one student in the class that could speak Spanish, and I assumed a few others. I threw the question out to the class for someone that could read the Spanish section to please do so. None would willingly offer. My next action, my brain yelled "Noooo," but my mouth said, "Luis, will you read it?" Ok, in my defince this kid's name is Luisandro Chavez (clearly Hispanic, right?). Yet again, I get another "Dumbass" glare and a briquse retort of "I'm not Mexican. I'm Native." All I could think to say was, "My bad" (awkward smile, quick change of the subject).

Awkward Story #3: Never Pull a Hangnail Before an Important Interview
If you know me well at all you know I have a "horrible" habit of bitting my finger nails and ripping off hangnails. My fingers always look like they have been attacked by a sharp object. When I get nervous the "horrible" habit occurs with much more frequency. Yesterday, I drove up to South Sanpete School District for my very first interview for two English teaching positions. I was naturally EXTREMELY nervous, and thus my habit of attacking my fingers was occuring unstoppably. I sat in the lobby of the district office, waiting to be called in, and that's when I saw it, a hangnail on a finger on my left hand, and I thought "Do not pull it. It will bleed." I pulled it anyway. Of course it started gushing blood, a lot of blood, enough blood to cover my finger and right palm. I spotted a bath room and rushed in to wash it away just as the prinicpal was coming out to get me. When I came out my hands were still pretty wet, but he stuck out his hand to shake mine. Maybe I should have pulle dthe blind card because he looked at my oddly and said, "Wow, your hands are cold." I quickly tried to explain: "My finger started bleeding, so I hurried and washed my hands, and they're still kind of wet." (awkward smile/giggle) Yet again, another "Dumbass" look.